Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis.

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis.
Lady asks, "What are you?"
He says, "I'm a fireman."
"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.
He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass."
pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

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What does it mean to come home for love tenderness compassion, understanding
and great s*x ?

It means you're in the wrong f*king house!

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"Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his privates unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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Two gays Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest.

Two gays Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest.
Cecil ask, "What you doing?""
Rupert said, "I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest.
Cecil said, "Don't be fucking stupid, if that was true I would have a ponytail sticking out of my arse..."

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A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"

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Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny.
Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow."
Doctor starts and woman begins to moan. Doctor gets faster and harder.
Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?"
Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."

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What's the difference between a cheerleader and a wash-machine...?

A wash-machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.....


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Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

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A young man walks into a bar and orders a Kamikaze.
As soon as he is severed he slams it down. And before the bartender can walk away he calls out I need a shot of Tequila.
So the bat tender pours the tequila. And no sooner than he is server he slam it back and then the young man asks for a shot of Gin.
The bar tender compiles with the request, and out of curiosity asks the young man are you celebrating?
The young man nods, and says quietly mt first blow job.
The bartender smiles and says I remember my first.
The young man looks up and says so how did you get rid of that taste?

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Two doctors are having s*x, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."
She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a f*cking thing!"

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Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:
"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!!

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Man gives blood too save his wifes life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says too wife, "I want my blood back you B*TCH!"
Wife throws the tampon at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you B*STARD."


***************************************************
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face.
She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today."
Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....."
With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?"
Sally replied, "No... really salty!"

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A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap.

A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap.
Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said, " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y.
"Nope!" replied George.
Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face, "You want C-A-N-D-Y."
Nope!" replied George.
"Then just what the hell do you want," ask Santa.
George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, "I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger!!"

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A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "


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An old married couple were having s*x and the wife says, "Baby, suck my nipples!"

An old married couple were having s*x and the wife says, "Baby, suck my nipples!"

The man dies; autopsy said, 'Reason for death: Expired Milk'

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There is this guy and he wants to marry a girl but he is bad at choosing girls so he has a contest.
First one to get as many ping pong balls as they can is my wife.
The first girl brings back a whole bucket of them. the guy goes good, good.
The 2 girl brings back a truck load of ping pong balls. He says, "Wow that will be hard to beat."
Then the 3 girl comes back all bloody and bruised and is holding 2 big bloody things.
The guy says, "What are those, I said ping pong balls."
"Oh,"Says the 3 girl, "I thought you said King Kong's balls."

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Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.


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A guy feels out an application for E-harmony to meet the ladies.
E-harmony rejected his application because he failed to answer question 14 properly.
The question was, "What do you like most in a woman."
The man replied, "My d*ck."

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What is the geographical definition of s*x?
Ans: It is an action done by the polland in the holland between the thailand with the little help of greece.

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m*sturbate, do you think?

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m*sturbate, do you think?

A. you need more time together
B. she's a prude
C. she should have sat elsewhere on the bus

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Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . does any one know what that is?
"Yes," says Tommy.
"My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."

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A wise man once said, "You should treat your woman the way you treat your hoover!!, when it stops sucking.... change the bag."

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After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.
Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Frank says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies, "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

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Been chatting to a 14 yr old on the internet.
She is funny, s*xy and flirty.
Now she tells me she is an undercover cop.
How cool is that at her age!!

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Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."

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Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style

- the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard pr*stitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing case.
Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how are going to live on $800 a year."

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A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"This is the pig I have to f*ck when you're not up for s*x."
His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep."
He says: " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"

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Laws of sex

Laws of sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best. 33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-Letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. "This won't hurt, I promise."

?I do not have the muscles of Stallone, I am not as handsome as Brad Pitt, I am not as strong as Schwarzenegger, but I can lick as good as Lassie!!!

?I do not have the muscles of Stallone, I am not as handsome as Brad Pitt, I am not as strong as Schwarzenegger, but I can lick as good as Lassie!!!

?Do you know the highest level you can reach during sex? ................................. no?...................................... Bungler !

?By opening this message you activated the dildo of your girlfriend. She thanks you moaning...You have now become unnecessary.

?Pornography tells lies about women, but the truth about men.

?Searching(sex)......Done...Everybody is having sex at this very moment....Wait a sec...There is only one sucker reading this message!
?Sex is a sensation caused by temptation,when a man puts his location in a woman's destination,do U understand the explination or would U like a demonstration

?SEX is the game, Love is a name, Forget the name...... Lets PLAY the game.

?A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play *Magic*? She says: What's that? .....He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you dissappear.....

?A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play *Magic*? She says: What's that? .....He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you dissappear.....

?What did Eva shout when she wanted to have SEX ?? ............. ADAM WHERE ARE YOU !!

?you do not have to be good to be the best as long as you are better than all the rest!!

?What does position 68 mean........You are doing me and I owe you one!!

?Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.

?Just to let you know that I went to heaven and back...

?What you never want to hear while having good sex?? ............. "Honey, I am home!"

?There is: Hot-Sex, Fast-Sex, Safe-Sex, Group-Sex, Leather-Sex, Telephone-Sex, CyberSex, and for people with your face: "No-Sex"!

?Why does a woman have two pair of lips?................... One is for fighting and one is to make up.

?What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?................ They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet

?If you cry, I cry...if you laugh, I laugh...if you are happy, I am too...if you are sad, I am too...and if you are horny, call me.

?American students say:.....people who never experience good sex and do not perform well in bed, usually read their SMS messages with their right hand

?A woman is like a pair of rubber boots. When they are dry, you cannot enter them, when they are wet, they smell and when you walk on the street with them, people laugh at you.

?Message from you provider: Your dildo is disturbing our network. Turn it off or continue manually. Thanks for your cooperation.

?The 3 miracles of a woman: produce milk without eating grass, 4 days of bleeding without dieing, letting a man come without yelling.

?Hi, I am an alien and I've just transformed in your phone and right now I'm having sex with your finger. I know you like it because you're smiling now!!

?The boy puts his information in her communication and together they make population!

?The boy puts his information in her communication and together they make population!

?What is the resemblance between a windscreen wiper and a woman? ... When they are wet, they do not squeak any more!
?The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed.Today I'll know better,so I'll write it in my letter.In my bed I've seen so many faces,so I'll fuck you at different places

?Sex is good,sex is funny, all the people fuck for money!If you think love is funny, fuck yourself and safe the money!!!

?What is de maximum speed during sex? .... 68, because at 69 you go overturn!

?A good neighbour is better dan an inflatable doll !

?God created the world in SIX days But it took him centuries... to come up with someone...as "HOT" ... as "SEXY" ... as "Fuckable" ... *..As "YOU!" .. *

?Text messaging is like a blow-job off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!!!

?What is the smallest airplane in the world,a cunt... Only one man fits in it, he needs to stand, his luggage stays outside and he still gets off ...

?Are mice giving you trouble? No? Than you must have a good pussy! ?Are these your eyes? I found them between my brests! ?Sex is like Nike, just do it.

?Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.

?When I was born I got the choice, or a major dick, or a fine memory. I am not able to remember what I did choose.

?Masturbation, don't knock it, it's sex with someone I love...

?Do you know why smurfs always laugh? Because the grass always tickles their little balls!

?What is the difference between a man and a dildo?......... A man is a REAL PRICK!!!!

?Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

?The best anti-virus program for a computer is SAFE-SEX. Leave the plastic cover on the floppy when inserting in drive.

?If you don't like oral sex than keep your mouth shut!!

?Sex is good for your stomach muscles and much more fun than fitness

?The difference between erotic and perverted: Erotic = caress the vagina with a beautiful white whisp Perverted = do the same thing with a whole chicken.

?If you don't like oral sex than keep your mouth shut!!

?If you don't like oral sex than keep your mouth shut!!
Press down......down more......ok......more......yes......ahh.......yes......almost there......yeah......oh shit......harder......so good! Yeah, that's textual intercourse!

?Sex is the game, Love is a name, Forget the name ...... Lets PLAY the game. ?I want you right, right now, why don't you come on over and let's do now!

?I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you, you do not have to say yes, just smile to me!

?I think I have BSE on my penis ...... all women who experienced it go crazy !

?Eva stood in the river washing her cunt when God comes running to her and shouts: EVA EVA STOP, I WON'T GET THE SMELL OF THE FISH. ?Do you know why a waterbed needs to be filled with seawater?...For the mussels need to be able to open.

?Screw calmly and without worries, if you do not come today, it may happen tomorrow !

?Women are like little children, they put everything they see in their mouth.

?The boy puts his information in her communication and together they make population!

?Fuck is good. Fuck is funny. Lots of people. Fuck for money. If you think that. Fuck is funny. Fuck yourself and save your money!

?Fuck is good. Fuck is funny. Lots of people. Fuck for money. If you think that. Fuck is funny. Fuck yourself and save your money!

?Sex is like Math, Add the Bed, Subtract the Clothes, Divide the Legs and Multiply! ?I want you to ride me like a pony! Hiyaaaaaa… ?Don't be silly, put a condom on your willy.

?Searching(sex)...... Done... Iedereen is op dit moment met SEX bezig. ...Wait a sec plz... Maar er is een zot zonder sex dit klotebericht aan het lezen!

?Sex, drugs & rock n roll, speed weed & birth control, life's a bitch, then u die, so fuck the world & lets get high!

?This program will automatically enlarge your penis. Now tarting...beep 6 5 4 3.....beep 2 1....Sorry no penis found!

?Do you want to have sex with me? For $50! Please please please....I really need the money!

?Sex is good,sex is funny, all the people fuck for money! If you think love is funny, fuck yourself and safe the money!

?Sex is like Nike, just do it.

?Masturbation, don't knock it, it's sex with someone I love...

?Neuk een wijf in dr kont, stamp die anus tot ze komt.S mijt je benen in de lucht, laat je pijpen in een vlucht. Krab de shit van je paal, anaal neuken is geniaal! ?Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

sexy jokes

?BEEB! Send this message to 5 of your friends and you will have unbelieveble sex tonight! If you break this chain, you'll never have multiple orgasm again!

?Roses are red, Pickles are green. I love your legs and whats in between.

?I like your style. I like your class, but most of all i like your ass.

?Sex is like NOKIA (connecting people)
like NIKE (just do it)
like PEPSI (ask for more)
like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited)
and like ME (TO GOOD TO BE TRUE)..

?I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

?How does a vagina look before sex? Like a lovely pink rose! And after sex? Ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonaise?

?If you want a little brother, kill your dad and fuck your mother.

?Sex is like pizza. When its good, its VERY GOOD. When its bad, its Still pretty good

?Sorry, the fuckmachine is out of order, so fuck yourself and save a quarter.

sexy sms

?Mean people suck, Nice people swallow! !

?A peach is a peach, A plum is a plum, A kiss ain't a kiss, without some tounge. So open up your mouth, and close your eyes, and give your tounge Some exercise!

?CONFICIUS SAY: BOY WHO GO TO SLEEP WITH STIFF PROBLEM WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.
?Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game!

?Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor. All the kings horses & all the kings men, laid the slut down & fucked her again!

?Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid everyone loves getting laid.u'll get laid.

?Kiss me and you will see stars; Love me and I will give them to you.

?A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play magic? She asks: What do you mean? He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you disappear!
?Love is a thing, sex is also a thing.